Oi! Miller (left) ! Leave me be!

i have a celebrity stalker.

its starting to get a little annoying.. sure, the initial flattery period was great, a honeymoon phase shall we say, but now, its just getting silly, and i’m investigating restraining orders.

its ben miller, one half of the irreverent and at times surreal duo Armstrong and Miller.

The first time was in knightsbridge, walking along a side street and he bumped into me coming out of a corner shop carrying a packet of pringles and box of oversive tissues for men. Of course, he asked for my autograph, and i willingly gave it, always one to support my supporters. “I love your work” he shouted over his shoulder as he wandered off happily.

The second time, the Guildford Festival – i must admit, not my usual haunt, but I was there to see various acts on that day. But wait, so was Ben, jumping around behind the crowd i was sat with waving at me again. I half-heartedly waved back, hoping he’d leave it at that, but he wouldn’t leave until i’d embroidered his jacket.

The third and most recent time was at Waterloo station. I was casually buying a cheese and coleslaw sandwich from Boots whilst waiting for the 13.58 train to Richmond, when he storms in and starts chatting away at me again. I hid behind a bottle of diet Lilt until he bent down to tie a shoelace, at which opportune moment, i jumped over him and ran out of the store, quickly pursued by three burly security guards (well, two burly, one a 16 year old work placement student from Ilford) as I had forgotten to purchase earlier mentioned items in my haste to exit the store.

My evening in the British Transport Police’s highest quality ‘box’ gave me thinking time, and my lawyer and psychiatrist both suggested legal action to remove this comedian from my life. We’re currently in talks with Absolutely Productions to see if I can cut a deal.

(note: locations are accurate, the rest is bollocks..but i mean come on, how many times is one man meant to see a celebrity? in london i can understand, but scattered around the south-east of england, its just crazy maaan… next time i see him, i’m sure to have a word and see why the hell he demands to be in the same locations as I on such a regular basis.)

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