Dear Webponce,

A recent tip I have been given to remove oil from skin may be helpful with your coffee and glitter removal problem.

If you combine washing up powder with washing up liquid and use this to wash all exposed areas you should find that they will become clean.

Failing that if you shave your body and chemically strip your skin, and burn everything you where wearing after said exposer to glitter and/or coffee grounds you should be ok.

If this more drastic approach does not work, it may be possible that you actually have got glitter and/or coffee into your eyes. If this is the case you may need to pluck them out with a spoon.

Leading to my final question:

“What should I do if I have accidentally plucked my eyes out with a spoon while trying to remove glitter from my person?”

Thanks

Chris

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Editors note: during the course of matthew’s research, to work out if gouging one’s own eyes with a spoon affects one’s performance, he failed to realise he’d not be able to see the keyboard. although his touch-typing skills are fairly good, he’s a little off center – we apologise to anyone who desperatly needed an answer to this question, but hopefully, after an eye replacement from a rabbit, webponce’s service will resume as soon as possible

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