So, just one week in the new house, and it so feels like home..

infact, we had a roast this evening.. how .. erm.. grown up

we handed over the keys to the old landlord this morning, shortly before going to the approach to watch the final, and then back to clapham from bethnal green for probably the last time in a long time.

so, farewell east london, and hello south.

I currently have a headcold, and combined with this summer’s bout of hayfever, my nose and eyes have been a little runny over the past few weeks. However, I do not see this as a reason to complain, but simply marvel once more at the human body, and its apparant ability to defy all odds. Let us take bogey for a start:

Bogey, snot, mucus, nose juice, whatever you want to call it – its a remarkable substance. basic physics tells us that objects melt when they heat up, and solidify when they cool down. Bogey is the opposite. Your nose will run during the winter when it is colder. Physicists also tell us that energy cannot be created nor destroyed, and perpetual motion does not exist – yet bogey is completely replenshable, an endless supply is produced from your nostrils regardless of the amount of tissue one shoves up there to reduce the nasal flow.

I searched the web, and found this recipie for bogey:


1/2 – 1 pound fresh okra (a vegetable found in the grocery store)

1 -2 cups water (the less water you add the thicker your mucus will be)


1. Chop the okra into large pieces and place them in a saucepan with a tight-fitting lid.

2. Boil the okra, about10 – 15 minutes, until it is a dark grayish-green and very soft.

3. Turn off the stove and remove the lid. Let your slimy substance cool.

4. Strain the slimy mess into a bowl and discard the okra.

5. Run your fingers through the remaining slimy broth.

Now, i’ve never had Okra, yet alone a 1lb of it per day – is there a small man sitting in my head using Tesco Online to receive delivery of said vegetable and produce the substance contained within my head? If they are – surely, their initiative could be put to better use – perhaps a machine for turning belly button fluff into usable fuel? I shall have stern words with him this evening.

Si :greetings sports fans, and welcome to another week of Extreme Knackeredness. This week freshman Simon Kirk will once again be in the starting line up against the now well established team Too Much Work In Too Little Time. Bookmakers are predicting the Simon will only have a limited amount of sleep this week, but he’s a figher, and we’ve seen him battle through similar adversity before. So what do you think, Matthew? Will the 3 times worldchampion once more show his true colours?

webponce :thanks marty, and its certainly, as you said, a week to behold, the national freelance playoffs are kicking into effect, and we have a 6 project deficit against the NWL teams from North Dakota.Whether or not we’ll see a mammoth battle against time, sleep with support from the Caffeine Users Group, or a slovenly attack from the rear is yet to be seen – but I’m sure of one thing Marty – its a scorcher out there – and there is all to play for before the end of this Jumpin’ June on NBC.

webponce :we’ll be right back after these massages.

webponce :ooooh. thats better.. a little bit lower.. mmmm. gooooood.

Si :Indeed Matty, this month’s NFPs are *the* hot ticket to coding fans, and with favorite Simon Kirk having to confront old demons, relearning PHP for the first time in a year and a half while simoultaneously maintaining his 9.0 code average on his ‘banker’, the Vitsoe Project, things really are there for the taking. He’ll

be hoping for another 3-play delivery, with quick invoicing and a low turnover rate from the Employers (aka the forth officials), and as they say in soccer, a net-score can come at any time!

Si :Hang on a moment Matty, I think we have a word coming in from our ‘man on the ground’, Stevy Wet!

Si :say again Steve-o, you’re breaking up, the crowd noise is overwhelming – so many keyboards all firing at once

webponce :Stevy.. you’ve been with the players in the locker room this morning, whats the feeling in the main camp?

fsck :Thank you Brian. Well let me tell you tempers and nerves, like the hamstring of an England striker, are at full stretch this fine summer morning. Both teams are basking in the glow of a delicious yellow sun, enjoying their stroll around the pitch before the Armanis are laid aside and battle can commence. The locker rooms have the air of a Roman gladiator pit, both teams champing at the bit, willing time to wend its eternal way forwards to kick-off time. And none of us can wait for it. Back to you in the studio.

Si :Thanks for those in incisive comment stevie-baby, as always you can almost taste the atmosphere here in the commentary box. So matty, with proceedings about to begin, any predictions on the outcome of play?

webponce :Thanks Bob. Looking at the history of Simon ‘Thrash it out’ Kirkster Kirk the Kirkster – his training back at UCLADELLJF23JJDF certainly put him a good position to clear up on the market of night time coding – but younger light weight players have been filling the markets from the left and right wings over recent months and forcing the mature Kirkland Kirkybaby Kirkdoodlemeister to take a step back – but this season, he seems to be back with avengance and his 32 point defeat of underlings from the college teams have put him in favours with the local agencies and talent spotters. I think we’re all looking for a slice of hot geek action

this week, and expecting a exciting show. Although he is nursing an injured indent, i think he’s fit enough to run with the byte, and pull this victory to his trophy cabinet. Your thoughts on his ass Bob?

Si :’Hot Geek Action’ indeed Matty! That’s the thoughts of both male and female fans alike, as this man still maintains anti-gravity ass abilities despite spending long stretches on it during his marathon coding sessions! In fact some say that his ass is the very source of his popularity, with fans waiting with bated breath for the moment he rises majestically from his chair exposing it once more to the world. It’s a miracle of modern engineering John, and worth every cent of the $24.50 he paid for it way back in his inaugral season with the Enders of Deep, his one time rookie team. The college boys certainly press hard and every season their challenge grows, but somehow Kirk the Kirky Kirkoff seems to find more fuel to his fire! Hang on a moment Matty, I think our new correspodant Adrianne Ging has stepped up tot he plate with his normal mix of attitude and stats. Adrianne, any thoughts on the upcoming code showdown?

ade :hey there big ass fans!

ade :weeeellllll herewearearethemajesticregentstreetstadium

webponce :well, i think we’re getting some satelite problems from that link.

webponce :we’ll try and sort that out, and get back to adey adester adeness later in the programme

webponce :in other news, new recruit Kell “Open me up like a can of beans, and spread my contents over a small persian rug” Jones has just been hired to play fullback for the Sasquatch Warriors. The 7 year old signing has sent ripples through the sports world, as the player has no head. Coach Jed Jedster says it gives the player a unique running ability. We spoke to the new signing to hear what he had to say about his position:

webponce :” ”

webponce :Thanks Kell – we’ll be expecting a great deal from him i think. Bob?

Si :Well Gloria, I think it speaks volumes about Kell’s new insights into the game, if only we could do somethinig for his volume! Hohoho. But joking aside, Kell is one of a new breed of fullbacks and I think it’s only a matter of time before we see new college recruits taking similar steps and having their heads surgically removed. It’s only once more step down the road of artificial body enhancements that we’ve been seeing for some years now, and while some say it’s against the spirit of play, others say it just means even better entertainment, and who am I to argue! The sight of a 320lb headless 7year old charging his way downfield is enough to make me feel a stir in my pants!

fsck :Brian, if I can interrupt you there, we’ve got some fast-breaking news I’d like to give you…

webponce :And talking of pants.. what about those Chicago Bulls!?

webponce :but seriously…

Si :Stevie Steve-baby Steve-o, go ahead and hit us with your wisdom

webponce :I’m afraid i’m going to have to leave you in the capable hands of Bob Bobness Bobman – as i’m off to play in the nationals as a waterboy.. I’m, Susan Trevyk, signing offff.

Si :FX: holds hand to ear-piece

Si :Well it’s been a pleasure as always Suzie, and I’ll be seeing you in the showers later tonight after full time.. I think steve-The Stretch-steve-o’s words are coming in from tthe sattellite uplink

fsck :I’ve been getting the low-down from some old-timers around the stadium here, and I must say there’s some concern here that Simon McKirk Kirksterster is gonna have a hard time playing with the big boys here this week. He’s going to have to pull some extreme power naps out of the bag if he’s going to keep up that .900 average on his work work. And as I always say, if the soe Vits, Vitsoe. Ahaha. More on that later, but also breaking today is news of Matt “Matty” McKnightland, there’s a lot of pressure on him this week as he switches from the Bethnal Greeners to the Clapham Wellstocks. Lot of extra work needed to be put in there by him if he’s going to make an impact in time for this year’s finals. Back to you Ed.

Si :Well thanks Steve, and I think we all know that Matty’s Well Hung Work Ethic – a style of play he’s been single handedly advocating for the last 2 seasons – is highly intensive, and it depends largely on the installation of his new “ADSL” unit, which as we all know means Average Daily Sausage Leanings, and boy can it make all the difference. So there we have it, two stars in the firmanent, beacons of overwork and underpay, and they’re just the start. Stevie, I’ve heard rumours that you too may be coming back from retirement to show these young pretenders a thing or two, and there’s even whispers of a little known red-headed giant who is

doing good things down south, and with this kind of action on the cards, just slap my ass and call me Charlie, but this is gonna be the season to end all seasons! So it’s over and out code fans, and remember – keep it tight, keep it slick, and always catch your exceptions before throwing out the stack! Until then, I’ve been Slimes Daily, and I leave you in the capable hands of our daytime code-meister, Ade “Definitely not Adey” Cockleyhooderston!

ade :and thanks for that Slimes, here I am reporting from our other big match game over here in West Enderfieldville. It’s the start of the second, things are tight. Already the contraversial out-field pitch-manager has stepped up to the base, despite initial fitness issues. She’s thrown a curve ball! And how will the young hitter cope with an early game shocker?!

Beyond the River of Justice..

The crack of dawn crept threw Matthew’s blinds shattering his alcohol infused dreams until he jerked awake realising the time.


The birds outside sang their deathly song calling Matthew to the shower, and as the damp water of awakeness flowed over his naked body, thoughts of freedom cursed through his aching neurones. He climbed out of the shower, and returned to his room, through on a tshirt and jeans, and began the journey to beyond the river of justice.

(part 2 coming soon)

my last night in bethnal green.

tommorow morning begins the process of moving all of my posessions (aka. crap) to south london.

they say moving house is one of the most stressful experiences of one’s life, after death and marriage.

who knows? maybe i could combine the three

the world is a bizarre place at times.

i’m a work on a saturday. there are people dancing in the restaurant opposite, and england are in the quarterfinals of the worldcup.

still, can’t complain. at least its not raining

Are they? Isn't it?

Dear Webponce

I know we hate the Argies & we’re happy they’ve been ousted from the

World Cup, but it’s really, really unfortunate and annoying that some of

them are right sorts. Do you have any helpful suggestions for how to

banish such impure thoughts from my mind?


Eager of East London

Hi Eager, and thank you for your wonderful question.

Not being a fan of geography or football, it took me a little time to research your problem, but I believe I have found both the cause and symptom. Our love/hate relationship with the Argentianinans began some years ago, when a popular music star allegedly made contact with God.

Madonna Louise Ciccone was born on August 16th, 1958 in Bay City, USA. I was unable to ascertain exactly when she started playing football on an international level, but I think we all are aware of when Madonna used the hand of god to win a game against the English on June 22, 1986. Uproar in the colonies as the English disputed that using deities as support for attack on goal simply wasn’t allowed by FIFA ruling, yet Argentina claimed God doesn’t exist.

Some would dispute Madonna’s elegability to play for Argentina. Being born and raised in the continental US, surely she should be covered in padding and playing for the Dallas Cowboys, but her marriage to Juan Peron, the former Argentian president allowed her to play for her adopted country.

Investigations by however, have brought to light new evidence. 1986, as well as world cup victory, Madonna releases True Blue, its first track “Papa Don’t Preach” suggests an immediate connection to religious influence, and digging further in her history, her second album just two years previous heralded tracks like “Angel” (winged creatures famed to reside in heaven and north london), “Like a Virgin” (perhaps a comment on Richard Branson’s multipound empire, or no sex before christian marriage, both deeply religous ideals) and “Shoo-Bee-Doo” (an anagram of Be Shod Eooo, perhaps Arabic for ‘I Know the Holy One’?). Madonna is often cited in books and newspapers in relation to Jesus, the son of God, under headlines such as “HOLY MADONNA! Another single?” and such the like – it cannot be disputed there is a definate connection between the two.

England beat Argentina, and some see it as one up for the holy father’s earlier intervention in a football match, but I dare say we’ll never forget his guiding force. However clean and simple this may all seem though, Madonna’s second husband, Shane Ritchie, popular ITV entertainer, had this simple claim which could ruin all of my hard research “If it was the hand of God that knocked that goal in.. what the hell was he doing playing footie on a sunday? surely its his day of rest?”

A strong point indeed. But, despite disagreement over the goal, god’s involvement and potential breaking of his very own sunday trading laws, Madonna has produced many many wonderful albums over the years, so they can’t be all that bad can they?