Ode to my tum

i used to be a skinny boy

i weighed almost next to none

but since i fell in love with beer

its all gone on my tum

but now i’ve found its a ghastly sight

and want to make this clear,

from now on i must stop being fat

whilst still drinking my beer

impossible task! i hear you cry

but perhaps you’re being just prude

i think i’ve found a way to stop

me eating so much food

a cork i say! a cork i’ll use

to put it in my gob

it’ll stop me eating nosh all day

i’m sure that’ll do the job

and if that doesn’t suit my plight

i know how i’ll get slim

i’ll drag my big fat lardy arse

down to the clapham gym*

so if you see me sweating there

running on a short treadmill

you’ll hear my screams of “why of why”

“am i running to keep still”

but you’ll know my friend why i’m running there

why i’m flapping like a bat

cuz ev’ry time i see my tum

the webponce has gone fat.

* not really.. i like being lardy

“And now abideth faith, hope, charity”

Faith has been restored.

After just watching pseudo-geek film Antitrust, and despite a severe lack of penguins, I now truly believe there is hope for my kind.

Ryan Phillipe, programmer extraordinare, manages to attract the interests of both Claire Forlani *and* Rachel Leigh Cook within the space of the first 30 minutes of the film and then goes on to bring down a multinational software company. Yay having a laptop!


the only reason they call portable tellies ‘portable’ is because they’ve stuck a handle on them.

hence, taking portable televisions for walks around Hyde Park on a hazy skied autumn afternoon is not as simple as you may think.

i’m affected by ISAD. Inverse Seasonal Affective Disorder.

You may have heard of the ancestor of this syndrome – SAD, where people in winter get miserable and depressed during the winter months. Inverse SAD is similar, yet the summer months provide endless days of pain and torment to its sufferers – heat is unbearable, the bright light is just plain wrong, and there are generally too many skin tight garments adorning NPA* people. That is why i moved to England. A haven for those with ISADlike symptoms – short crappy damp summers and long pleasant crappy damp winters.

So, it may come to you as no surprise that i’m chuffed that autumn has arrived. I’ve already got out my shorts and quite often will be seen pressing my nose up to the cold window as rain beats against it. Yet, a blight on my perfect cold existance comes in the form the ‘coldfeelers’ – who seem to be affected by the temperature. I am drawn to these types of people. My flatmate, my mother, and my forefathers all ‘feel the cold’ and insist on ‘turning on the heating’.

Now, at home, i can deal with this and generally, the heat will make me lethargic and i can just slob around doing nothing whilst shoving ice cubes into my pants – but we have a ‘coldfeeler’ at work now too – well, everyone here. In fact, today, they all have jumpers on! Crazy fools! Its only October!

Our office is now like a hi-tech sauna, very hot and filled with computers.

Still, at least its raining outside, and lunch is soon. I can go play in the puddles.

i bought some books today from amazon – and the site has an extremely cool feature which suggests a) other things you’d like based upon your past purchases, and b) what other people who bought those books also purchased.

apparantly, marshall mcluhan readers are big a-ha fans and support marxism.

those of you who know me, will know the circumstances under which i completed the final two years of the university of wolverhampton: not at the university of wolverhampton.

i worked full time at deepend – which was not the unbusiest of jobs – and completed my studies, and upon graduating, i swore to myself that i’d never do anything as stupid again.

12 months on, and my MA has started quite well.

Someone shoot me now.

“bullies bring tube to a halt” reads the front page of today’s evening standard.

they’d of had an easy time today as there were no tubes running anyway.

i suppose thats why they picked today.

i wonder how i’m going to get home.