Ode to my tum

i used to be a skinny boy

i weighed almost next to none

but since i fell in love with beer

its all gone on my tum

but now i’ve found its a ghastly sight

and want to make this clear,

from now on i must stop being fat

whilst still drinking my beer

impossible task! i hear you cry

but perhaps you’re being just prude

i think i’ve found a way to stop

me eating so much food

a cork i say! a cork i’ll use

to put it in my gob

it’ll stop me eating nosh all day

i’m sure that’ll do the job

and if that doesn’t suit my plight

i know how i’ll get slim

i’ll drag my big fat lardy arse

down to the clapham gym*

so if you see me sweating there

running on a short treadmill

you’ll hear my screams of “why of why”

“am i running to keep still”

but you’ll know my friend why i’m running there

why i’m flapping like a bat

cuz ev’ry time i see my tum

the webponce has gone fat.

* not really.. i like being lardy

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