this months most bizarre search terms which find are:

  • desmond garrison
  • home remidies for tooth pain
  • how to make pot pourii
  • pics of refridgerators
  • ring pull history
  • coming to theatres
  • infected wisdom tooth photos
  • pictures of vampires biting someone’s neck
  • rebranding lucozade

    do not ask why, merely accept that people really do still want to

    make pot pourii.

    god help us.

  • its december 1st 2002! which of course means in just under 5 hours or so, all around the country, little children and adults old enough to know better will be waking up, realising its a sunday, going back to sleep, waking up again a few hours later, going to church and lighting a candle / opening a door and receiving chocolate*

    of course, never one to be beaten by simple commericialism, woolies this year will not be getting my hard earned pennies (or pounds).. as we’ve built our very own. its a tradition we at 311b hold close to our hearts.. the DIY culture..its probably part of the hacker ethic, but why spend money when you can beg steal borrow build your own? case in point, our mp3 jukebox.. thrown together a few months ago for a party so we didn’t have to keep fiddling with mp3s, it has now developed in a lovely looking and wonderfully functioning piece of code. but back to my original point, and our imaginary goldfish in their real bowl, have been relegated to the dining table to make way for the unique masterpiece that is our LooRollAdventLightTM. it has tinfoil, cotton wool and even those little sticky stars you used to get at school – Blue Peter eat your lame ass heart out.

    the journey into work is truly a learning experience if you can position yourself well. This morning alone, I learnt about adenosine triphosphate and the short fallings of Basle’s soccer tacticians. Other days have given me insights into music production, global politics and quite often the inner workings of the British legal system. its all in the ability to cleverly stand over someone’s shoulder and read their lectures notes / newspaper / tattoos. its a wonderful use of otherwise dead time – and who needs to buy a newspaper? you can cleverly construct your own current affairs by piecing together extracts from each of your visual snippets stolen from around you and create a world where dubya is denying mass monkey farming for use in the UEFA cup, or Les Dennis is trapped in a house with lots of D-List ‘celebs’, is going crazy and is married to an attractive woman. oh, hold on.

    oh, and to that fat guy who shoved me out of the way this morning: that wasn’t really necessary was it?

    east london has turned into some sort of retro early 80s computer roleplay game.

    : go north

    +++ You cannot go north. Your path is blocked by roadworks

    : go south

    +++ You cannot go south. Your path is blocked by roadworks

    : go east

    +++ You cannot go east. Your path is blocked by roadworks

    : go west

    +++ You go west, and are stopped by a tollbooth

    +++ A troll speaks "Hello young sir, you must pay five gold pieces to enter central londinium"

    : pay troll

    +++ You have no money

    : bribe troll with sexual favours

    +++ The troll is not attracted to you

    : use underground

    +++ The underground is closed due to industrial action

    : set troll on fire

    +++ You set the troll on fire, but your robe catches alight

    : call fire brigage

    +++ You call fire brigade

    +++ The fire bridgade do not turn up

    +++ You are in pain

    : go to a doctor

    +++ You are not registered at a local GP surgery

    : register with doctor

    +++ All surgeries in this area are full

    : go west

    +++ Pet shop boy songs are banned here. The troll kills you.

    tis the season to be jolly tra la la la ….

    tis also just 1 month until xmas day – that means around 23 shopping days, 20 working days. and in that time, i have just over 30 days of scheduled work to complete.

    i’m not a professor, nor did i do very well in my A Level maths, but i can work out that there is a discrepency of 10 days not in my favour. i’m trying to work out how to compress space-time and see if i can resolve the issue. oh, and i need to do my christmas shopping too.

    mmm. i’m the process of buying a new computer, and i’m such a fickle and shallow beast, i’ll probably end up spending more on making the thing *look* nice than actually work well. for example, a nice case is essential, maybe some subtle lighting, how about some etching. its all a bit of mute point anyway, i can’t afford a cheap ass system, yet alone something which a mac user would go “oo, thats quite nice looking” (well, a geeky mac user)

    saw harry potter last night – all 160 minutes of it, plus trailers, which brings the whole thing up to 3 hrs. an epic i tell you, but worth the watch i’d say. if you’ve read the books, you’ll of course be disappointed at some of the skipping of more indepth subplot, and the obvious plot reminders – but thoroughly enjoyable and a damn sight darker than the first movie – which was well needed. Atlhough the fact that the school nurse is actually bridget jones’ mum threw me somewhat, i kept expecting her to offer up turkey curry.

    the interior of hogwarts is filmed at a school near where i go to university in harrow, so it only seemed fitting to be watching the movie within minutes of the real hogwarts and under a full moon – however the grounds of the school do not mirror harrow as closely. there are no lakes or beautiful mountains and valleys in harrow. just a Yates’ Wine Lodge and BHS.

    you know you work in hoxton when…

  • you cross the road and someone asks if you want a taxi…
  • you get looked at strangely when you purchase enough food from the petrol station to stock a nuclear bunker for three years at around half midnight
  • you get annoyed at the fact you’ve tried all the flavours of sandwiches on the petrol station shelf and none of them are any good
  • you get a nod of acknowledgement from the petrol station attendant because they know you
  • you don’t see any of the above as strange

  • its that time of year again where slim sports a beard – he’s had facial covering for the past month or so, slightly ahead of when it became fashionable. he’s such a trendsetter is our slim, the FHM issue just after his fuzzy growth had begun contained an article on beards and the reasons behind them, and today the BBC ran this story about beardism. i thought i’d come out in support of the fire strikes^W^W^W beards by not shaving this morning, and i may not tommorow either.

    today’s discussion point: “beards – facial hair, or fashion beware?

    who is larry and why is he so damn happy?

    he obviously doesn’t live in london – or in fact the UK. we’re facing more days on end of firestrikes and as a result all the tubes are shagged, there are airport strikes planned for the new year – so he wouldn’t be able to get into the country anyway. he could arrive by ferry, but the trains are so expensive and run so poorly he’d have a hard time actually getting here – he’d be stuck in dover. There are a few port cafes and service stations, so he could have a slap up meal at a Julie’s Pantry – maybe thats why he’s happy.

    what do you think?

    i think i know what codeblindness is now.

    its the inablity to actually work out what on earth your code is doing, even though you were wholly responsible for it. except, this evening i seem to have a strange variation on it – coding by numbers. i’m not exactly sure what i’m doing – but through process of typing various things into the script – i’m slowly managing to make it work, despite not quite understanding what i’m doing. blind faith you may call it. i know tommorow morning i’ll come in and look at the code and scream “What on earth was i thinking!?” – but its suiting me fine for the moment.

    slim is such a star wars geek – watching any of the films with him is like sitting in a cave where lucas’s scripts follow on the telly shortly after he’s said the line in various voices – even down to the “pyou pyou pyoupyou” of lasers.

    we’ve just got back from the clapham common fireworks – they aren’t a patch on the battersea park ones – it just wouldn’t have been right going without kirsty – but we had a perfect position just down wind from the launch site. you could almost taste the excitement – well, no, literally, you could taste it, as the bits of flamegrilled cardboard drifted back down to earth post explosion. still, the charcollian rainfall didn’t put anyone off from their “ooohs”, “aaahs”, “cooo, look at those over in wandsworth, aren’t they pretty”. i think next year, i’ll go middle class again, and wander down to wandsworth. still – i suppose thats the difference between councils.. no, lets not hear it for Lambeth Borough Council.

    (ps.. i sound as if i didn’t enjoy them. i did, no really. no. really.)

    I’m on hold. I’ve been on hold for 20 minutes. I’m sure i spend a good proportion of my life on hold to customer support phonenumbers chasing this, ordering that – it quite possibly comes quite close to the amount of time i spend on the loo – and is about as enjoyable. but why do they just play REM over and over and over and over and over and over and over and … etc.?

    surely, there is a market for short soundbites, news headlines, quick facts, stock prices, stand up comedy?

    i think i’ve found my second flooglebinder (which, by the way is the search result which seems to link most often to my website from google!).

    so the next time you’re on hold, and learn something from the experience, like the average rainfall in the amazon basin or how many light bulbs does it take to change a lawyer) – think of me, you’ll have just made me 2 pence.