I’m mostly bored, so I reply to requests on dating sites like Tinder and Guardian Soulmates with long rambling fantasies. Oddly enough, I don’t get asked out on many dates.
Her: Hey. How was your day?
Me: well, first of all, i visited our local A&E to tend to burns on my hands and arms from spilling hot coffee all over myself this morning before i’d left the house. at the emergency ward, a patient in the next bed was talking in his sleep, about a cache of stolen nazi gold which he had hidden in his east-end lockup. he had been arrested and was handcuffed to his bed. some hours later, a darkly dressed man entered the ward, and shot my murmering fellow. whilst police swarmed, i was discharged, and decided to make haste, with the memory of the location of the gold firmly lodged in my mind. my plan was to reach the gold, sell it on the black market, and return the funds to local charity organisations, as my good deed for the day. upon arrival at the gold stash, it seems i was not the only person in that hospital who had overheard our now deceased antagonist. a doctor, a nurse, a registrar, a hall porter, two nuns, a DHL driver, a fifteen year old pizza delivery boy, a cat with a twisted ankle who had mistakenly confused the hospital for a veterinary centre, and a vending machine had all arrived with the very same thought – steal the gold for themselves. fortunately, i was late and i enter the location to see the results of an all out battle between the cast of would be criminals. only the vending machine is left standing, his face dripping with the blood of his adversaries, hunched over the still warm bodies, sobbing, in the realisation of what the desire for gold had turned him into. i slowly walk up to the vending machine, my face white with fear of what may happen next. my foot brushes a pile of gravel, making a soft noise, but enough to startle the vending machine, who spins around, pointing a make shift knife, forged from the thigh bone of the wounded cat, straight at me. frozen to the spot, i slowly raise my hands, panting. “I.. I..”, not able able to get the words from my mouth. I see a tear roll from the machine’s change slot. it stares at me silently, but somehow i understand completely what it is feeling and thinking. I go to speak, to console it, to explain that I… when he jams the cat bone shiv into itself. I look away, determined not to see any more death, destruction or pain, and just start walking, walking faster and faster until I break into a sprint. I don’t stop running until I reach work. I would normally make myself a mug of coffee when I get in, but even just the odour of coffee now has the attached to it pain of a dozen lives lost driven by greed, and reminds me of what could have happened to me, if I had been just a few minutes earlier.
So I made myself a cup of tea, and nothing else really happened for the rest of the day. Sort of boring really.
How about you?